This post may be more on the personal side so there is your warning if you don’t want to continue reading. I am an open book as many people who know me could tell you and sometimes thats a blessing and a curse. I’m hoping in this case it’s a blessing.
This post is about the crazy thing called “friendship”. I find it so wild to look back at how I made friends as a child, everything was just so much easier. You could walk up to anyone and ask if they wanted to be your friend and 9/10 times they’d say yes. I had the best friends growing up. The chances that they are reading this are slim but if they ever do, “hey guys”. Life seemed so simple, and so did our friendships. Fights were over small things and never amounted to much. Things were very centered on forgive and forget and life just went on, I learned the hard way that as you get older, that’s not how things work. It’s sad that as time passes there are people you drift away from whether that is intentional or not. I know there are several people I wish I had made more of an effort to keep in my life but I try and continue to look ahead and not dwell on the past. Throughout middle school I had a solid friend group for a little bit but that turned quite fast and to make a long story short, I spent 3 months of 8th grade eating lunch in the bathroom, not only the fault of my friends but also me being self conscious and dramatic. As middle school came to an end I made the absolute best friends and we had the most fun. Although there was always lots of drama, we were always hanging out and having a good time. As high school came our friends merged with another middle school friends giving us upwards of a 40 person friend group. This is where I started to fall back. I was very self conscious and anxious and I just wanted people to like me. Unfortunately a lot of the anxiety led to me not hanging out with everybody very often so no one really had a chance to get to know me. I still had my best friends from middle school but they were good at being social and I unfortunately was not. Fast forward to the beginning of senior year, I made the most amazing friend. We had been in the same friend group but never really talked until senior year. We immediately became inseparable. We did everything together. I had found someone who was just like me at the time and that felt so relieving. I always had someone I knew would come over and talk or go get a bundt cake with me. Unfortunately I messed that friendship up really bad right before going into freshman year and that ruined me. Luckily I knew that a fresh start in college was going to be my ticket. I became very close with my roommates (shoutout to you 3, love and miss you) and along with them, I met the most outstanding person. We spent literally every day together and if we weren’t hanging out, we were face timing. I clung to that friendship so tightly because I knew that I was going to mess it up somehow. 8 months later, I did, and I knew I would. I tend to have a way of messing things up BUT that is why I am writing this today. I have lost so many people that I loved so deeply and still love, all because of stupid things I have done. I have come to realize in the past year that the only person you have forever, is yourself. There were so many underlying things that I didn’t even know I was ignoring that it made it hard for me to be the friend that I truly wanted to be for these people, forever. I spend days wishing I hadn’t messed up so much but that’s not going to get me anywhere. I want nothing more than the best for anyone I’ve ever been friends with and hopefully after all of the things I’ve messed up, I’ve learned all there is to know about being the best friend I can be.
This “story” for lack of a better term is not to make people feel bad for me in any way. Through all of the things I have talked about, I have had constant amazing people and I still receive so much love from them. I am very happy right now and look forward to continuing to make new friendships and challenge myself to be the best version of myself so I can bring out the best in others!
Thanks for reading!